Patriotic Paranoia
64Green Cards Are Now White. (They Used To Be Pink.)
Making America Safe From Little Old Ladies
[Note: Mum, if you're reading this, substitute the word "healthcare" at *.]
For some reason, during the 1980's, I left the rain-drenched streets of Glasgow, Scotland, and came to the States. I gave up a generous UK government grant (for postgraduate study) to do so, and left behind not just that financial security, but also free medical care. This metamorphosis changed me from a student who received free contraceptives* and television reception to a part-time student on a not-quite-as-generous scholarship who worked to pay her way through university.
I must have been insane?
But I was able to study with Juan Loveluck, whose published work on South American Literature was excellent. His courses were superlative, combining his erudition and dry wit in a manner that reminded me of Medardo Fraile's teaching style (Fraile was another professor I was lucky enough to have taken classes from, in Glasgow. His area of research was Spanish Theatre, although he was also a published short story writer).
Loveluck used to lapse into French when talking about French writers or thinkers, and it was one of the measures of your seriousness as a student if you could keep up with his trilingual lectures. If you didn't notice the changes from one idiom to another, you were on the way to becoming a serious scholar. Since I was taking courses in Comparative Literature, this seemed an appropriate approach for a professor to take, and I was annoyed when students complained and dragged him back into Spanish, or English, because it invariably broke his train of thought.
And I was now in the States. So I stayed.
Driver's License
The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) is always a joy to visit: the long lines, the numbers flashing on the screen, the photos being taken in a light guaranteed to make you look like someone from America's Most Wanted . But in recent years the visits have become even more interesting if you are not an American citizen.
My driver's license expired last year, so in order to renew it I went to the handy website, downloaded and printed out the application form, filled it in, and went to my local DMV. It wasn't there.
Apparently, in a bid to prevent terrorists being able to con their way into possession of fraudulent driver's licenses (which serve as universal ID cards in the States), the DMV has implemented a deviously brilliant strategy: hide the buildings. The local DMV used to be in its own street, off a busy highway, with parking and signs and everything. It is now in an unmarked building in a strip mall.
Indeed, I wasn't sure I was in the right place until I opened the door and was immediately accosted by someone asking to see my forms. This person was there to make sure that folk don't have wasted trips; by checking a visitor's purpose and documentation, you are then cleared to take a number and wait to be called. I had everything I needed with me, so I went on in and sat down.
Surprisingly, it didn't take long. I was called quite quickly, and presented my form to the person behind the glass.
"Ah," said the person, "you can't renew your license here."
"Excuse me?"
"You can't renew your license here. You need our International Office."
The DMV has an international office ?
This was news to me. My heart sank, as I contemplated the probability of having to drive up to Charleston, SC for my license. But luckily enough the nearest "international" office of the Department of Motor Vehicles is located in the small town of Bluffton, a mere 30 miles away. I went there, and was told (in Spanish) that I could have filled the form out in Spanish if I had so desired. I said (in Spanish, as it seemed to be expected of me) that it was well, I would be comfortable with the English .
The Greencard
To get the greencard renewed, I did have to go to Charleston, SC -- but luckily not back to the old Immigration Office where I had first been interviewed, and where the Immigration Officer, seeing that all my paperwork was in fact complete, said that the only thing I'd "left for him to do" was to attack my "moral character" for ten minutes.
No, this time I was in the brand new offices, where up-to-date technology produces biometric scans of your fingerprints (all of them) and reproduces a hard image of your thumb print on the front of the card. Effortless and instantaneous -- all I had to do was place my hands on the platen, and voilà. Except that it didn't work. The poor woman scanning my fingerpads had to reposition each one, individually, on the platen and take two or three scans of each digit before the computer accepted the image.
It took approximately forty-seven minutes. At one point, I offered to send out for pizza, my treat. No one smiled.
It used to take about twenty seconds -- an officer would grab your hand, plonk it in the ink, and then roll each digit in the space provided (if you've ever had your fingerprints taken the old-fashioned way, you know what experts these folk can be at getting them right first time).
As a resident alien I have been finger-printed, photographed, examined by doctors to see if I have tuberculosis, syphilis, AIDS, HIV; whether I have ever used intravenous drugs, been arrested, or spoken too loudly in church. Ok, so I made that last one up. The others are true, though.
America is Safe -- My Whereabouts are Known
I trust you will all sleep easier tonight knowing that such care has been taken to ensure I am who I said I was, and that I don't carry any communicable diseases. It's just a matter of time, I guess, until GPS tracking is used to monitor my movements. It's only logical, after all -- but I'm not looking forward to that procedure.
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I feel for you Teresa, my husband has gone through all of that as well. At his biometrics scan (over an hour away for us) they also scanned his retinas. Like you, he had tons of exams before being allowed to come over. He had a chest x-ray that he was required to bring with him in a sealed envelope and yet no one seems to want it now that he's here. We left it with our family doctor for safekeeping.
Hey, John -- I WAS escorted out of a public meeting at the university where I used to teach for heckling the speaker. Heckling is a sport in the UK -- a public meeting just wouldn't be any fun without it. But the security officer escorted me away -- I wanted him to make me leave the campus, so that I wouldn't have to teach my afternoon classes, but he drew the line at that.
Great hub, it made me giggle. Think I'll stay in Canada :) My entire process of becoming a Canadian citizen when I was 12 was that my mother signed something (my father was Canadian though so I was considered a citizen born abroad)
KCC -- darn it, I forgot to mention the x-rays! Where is your husband from?
Uninvited -- sounds slightly more pleasant! Glad you got a giggle out of it.
In California our DMV's are still clearly visible from the street. I hate driving anyway, so the DMV was never my favorite place. I am one of those rareties, and American who is afraid of driving, but who ponders how most people pass their driving tests here.
Teresa, it's funny you mentioned the unmarked buildings. On my last trip to the Registry I went to one I hadn't visited before. I got to the address and didn't see the building. There was a Wendy's and a bunch of other stores/businesses instead. I asked about the Registry, and someone pointed me to the back of Wendy's. There was a weird parking lot, and a building that made me feel I was headed for a warehouse where visitors were not welcome. Eventually, I was reassured by some markings on the door; but I generally felt as if I was going somewhere people weren't supposed to go. Apparently, gone are the days when the buildings were attractive buildings sitting on top of a hill, all by themselves.
He's from England, Teresa. Today is actually the one year anniversary of us getting his permanent residence card.
Interesting and enlightening, Teresa. I'm not sure about the GPS, but I'll bet "they" know your every move from all the TV cameras their putting up everywhere as well as Google Street View and Google Earth. The DMV is always an interesting place. I did a column about my experience there in 1996 ("Light Reading at the DMV"), but it was from a totally different perspective.
" If you didn't notice the changes from one idiom to another, you were on the way to becoming a serious scholar." ZOMG!
=D
"ndeed, I wasn't sure I was in the right place until I opened the door and was immediately accosted by someone asking to see my forms."
Haha, this is like my character Tim, the Sleeping Prophet. ;)
I'm glad we're safe, Mrs. McGurk. If they kept tabs on you, they might miss some new interesting students in a flight academy school.
I could tell that u are a controversial person of questionable character, aspect and intent....
keep your chin up but keep your guard up also....don't forget to duck and weave as the need may be....
oh woman, this is a harsh environment for an individual....but what is the alternative?
again, as an attempting 2b free americakan individual, I welcome u...and liberty and justice 4 all...
peace, hang in there, don't forget to duck and most importantly; continue to enlighten, educate and entertain us...we are in need...and you are greatly loved for your efforts by your readers...
peace(whoops, please excuse the profanity)
Hilarious. I feel so much safer knowing that the federal government is tracking you. :)
I can see at least one reason here why you are such a lover of sci fi, you knew that one day it would hit home. Whatever happened to the days of "Next!" and it actually applied to you? Wonderful read, Teresa.
Many thanks to all of you for coming by -- and for the great comments. I'll remember to duck and weave, and check behind the Wendy's to see which buildings have been hidden from view.
Don't forget to smile for the cameras, guys. . . .
We live In a country that is changing too fast in some respects ,and too slow in others.We need more energy,but all we seem to get is hot air from some politicians and talk show hosts,and global warming or warning from others.Commercialisation of our transportation system,built by the federal government.Some of which are now owned or leased to mexico and Spain down texas way.Even an area in New mexico that has been declared mexican soil.It's mexican Diplomatic territory.
I just think, Orwell got it right in general and just missed a bit on the details! Laugh! At least you tell the story with humor and aplomb -- what else can one do, right?
The US has fifty states and that means 50 different DMVs and 50 different requirements and procedures. 50 different everythings, from insurance requirement to license tags. Does it really make sense to have that much latitude in driving licenses? We have federal highways going all across the country, so why don't we all have to pass the same requirements?
My problem is using drivers licenses as identification, because the day after your license expires, you are no longer identifiable.
My point is that a national drivers license you put every one at the same skill and requirement level. The Federal Government contributes a lot of money to the state highways so it is not like taking money away from the states.
States rights versus federal supremacy? Sometimes, states rights don't make any sense.
This probably doesn't make the radar for most people, so try to forget it.
Well , the federal government has the federal reserve to borrow from other countries and to print up money and loan it out at face value.Since the federal reserve is owned by a group of private bankers.foreign as well ;the states depend on the federal reserve just as much as the federal government does. That's why state sovergnty is questionable .Long ago the states had their own banks which printed their own iou's like the fed does.
As another foreigner living abroad ( a brit in France) I can relate to this. The trick in France is to have 4 copies of everything, wherever yu go that might remotely need proof of something, plus the originals. Photocopying machines can be found in nearly every newsagents, tabac, bar, supermarket, laundrette, any govt building and most private homes. I have a theory that the inventor of the photocopying machine is French .... and by now very rich !
Hey, it seems bureaucracy is the same everywhere! In South Africa we have to renew our driver's licences every five years and its a mission every time. To start with one has to stand in queues that go around the block, and then have to face officials who behave as though they know you are only applying for the renewal to irritate them and give them unwanted work! I mean, there is no way in which you might need the licence really!
An greatly entertaining read, Teresa, as always.
Love and peace
Tony
Yes they need to tag you lol. Just joshing
It is a shame that it has come to this. The criminals that brought us 911 could have been stopped if they were checked with a bit more care. Unfortunately there are enemy agents come in all ages, sexes, and origins. I know it is miserable; even US citizens get jerked around now and then.
Another great read. I agree with Pete. I am a big fan of humor--and you always find a place to tuck that in every hub---
Whew! I'm so glad that we've ruled you out :)
On the other hand, I hear they're shipping terrorists to Bermuda these days and setting them up in stucco minimansions with swimming pools and a $100K stipend to get them on their feet. That sounds like a pretty good gig to me. (Death to America! Tell on me... Please!)
I used to have to take an annual class at the insurance company job and then again at the bank job during which I was made to understand I could be imprisoned for up to 10 years for violating the Patriot Act by not reporting a terrorist to the proper authorities and that they way to find out if any of the 80 or so persons per day that I interacted with was a terrorist was to check each name against a database of thousands of names to which I not allowed access. After passing the course each year, I had to sign a form saying I understood my responsibility and agreed to these terms. Six years running I did this. Welcome to the madhouse.
Hilarious, Grundy-Gal.
Well, then -- I thnk we're all agreed that we should keep five copies of every pertinent piece of documentation that no one will ever ask to see, and try not to get on a terrorist database that no one has access to, anyway. Should be fairly simple. And if, for any reason, your driver's license becomes deleted from the system, then all your worries are over, as you now do not exist. Of course, you will not be able to open a bank account, identify yourself to anyone, or -- what was the other one? Oh yes, drive.
and you are probably thinking, I gave up everything for this????
your sense of humor is great as well!
dori
Teresa...Interesting and funny Hub..Thanks
Reading Elena's comment reminded me of a supermarket incident where after using a credit card at checkout I was asked for my drivers license for ID. Showing them my license they noted that it had expired two days ago and refused to accept it for ID. I said the license may have expired but I haven't..!! Look at my picture...could anyone else look this ugly but me..? They finally relented and allowed the transaction....
NOTE TO EVERYONE: did I make it clear that I was glad to give up the rain-sodden and wind-swept streets of Glasgow climate to come to the States?! Plus, at the time there were no Comparative Literature programs in the UK (that I am aware of), and the chance to continue to study my favorite literatures was too good to pass up.
Oh Maven -- that is too, too silly and all too true.
How often do you have to renew the licence? My driving licence is valid from December 1994 (when I passed my test) until March 2047, so I'm not worrying about it yet (-:
Every state is different...6 years in Arizona...when I lived in Hawaii in the 50's the drivers license was good for life...now. as a state, they realized the revenue that terminated license's would generate...voila...now every 4 years.... Isn't government wonderful....
Well in Hawaii they probably never look any different as they age.No need for to update their photo. lol
No.I think they are used to less paternalism when it comes to using money to pay for something everyone needs even if they can't pay for it as too retrictive.
Now that we indoctrinated them with the notion of competition to get something they all need It's not exactly like there is more than one D.M.V. competing to get you to come to get your license from.We are all captive customers when it comes to Identification by the government.
It was every 10 years here, now every five. Ye gods, but it's all a hassle.
Funny! I enjoyed this. One day I dream of living in Italy....I wonder if this is how my story would play out there.....
lol, great story TM. My wife is a Russian National and we have had to go through the same procedure. She is also "known" and at the moment taking advantage of the better health care system provided in Russia. I am tempted to by a ticket.
LOL Being a non-resident alien, since the last year I have to renew my licence EVERY YEAR. And every time I have to bring to DMV a letter from state department that they don't deal with my licence and delegate this task to DMV. Getting this letter takes 5-6 weeks...
Great post Theresa. It's getting crazy out there. Good thing we're keeping things safe for the horrid little old ladies out there and not you know, people who might actually strap a bomb to themselves and set it off in a public place. I'd be careful heckling people too, did you see that one kid who got tased? I tell you it was nice once living in the United States of America before we lost our way.
Well, I will sleep well tonight knowing that the dangerous Teresa has been scrutinized so well! LOL! I can feel for you after my recent trip to the Social Security Administration. Aaahhhh, for the good old days before paranoia set in...
I understand how difficult it can be for someone from another country to wade through the beaurocracy here in the US. But those officials don't just have it in for the foreign born. When signing my daughter up for Social Security (she is disabled), they wanted proof of her citizenship. I pointed out that they had her birth certificate in hand. It took over a half an hour, and lots of conferring with people in another room, that the birth certificate proved that she was a citizen.
john guilfoyle 2 years ago
well...it's getting worse here for sure..and no place left to run.
but hey T....welcome to the us..I see that you are an invaluable asset..and we need all the help we can get...at least u r here for us...i'm sure you are aware of john lennon's difficulties in establishing residency here...we were being protected by someone who said "give peace a chance" and "imagine"...and a host of other damaging and demoralizing words...
are u some kind of rabble rousing troublemaker? lol.....